These days

These last few weeks have been pretty rough, some of the darkest days in the last few years for sure. I have never before felt so confused or lost as I have a few times recently. At times it is as if I all I see are obstacles, and nothing seems bright, nothing seems beautiful. It really... REALLY... sucks.

I don't know when this will change, but I know that God is in control. I am obviously not. At the times when this is the most painful, I ask him when this will lift, when can I go deeper into the root of this with him, when can I get to that place of rest in his complete and perfect grace. And always he tells me, not yet. Your not ready. Actually its probably me saying no, I'm not ready. So I wait on the LORD's timing, battling constantly in my mind against all the wretchedness in there. In the darkest times he has given me some incredible encouragement, totally Spirit led events that bring hope during this time. It has not been easy with School coming to a close either. Ton's of homework for someone who is totally guilty of doing way too much already... Man! Thank God he did not let me go any harder than I did... I will learn to rest again, to rest in the Lord. Ooooh how I miss it! I'll get there...

So what do we know for sure, even though we don't feel it and it sure doesn't always seem like it?

- The Holy Spirit is at work within me, giving me a heart that wants to change.
- God works ALL things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. That is me.
- He who has started a good work in me is faithful to finish that good work.
- There is no condemnation for sins past present or future, for those who are in Christ Jesus.
- God has showed me that I am making progress here, which is so encouraging, cause that means I am getting somewhere.
- I will come out on the other side of this better for it.
- Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so :)

When I am weak, you make me strong
When I am blind, you shine your light on me
Cause I'll never get by
Living on my own ability.
How refreshing to find you don't need me,
How amazing to find that you want me.
So I'll stand on your truth and I'll fight in your strength,
Until you bring the victory.
By the power of Christ in me.
~Casting Crowns.

They that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength,
They will rise up on wings like an eagle.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.
~ Isaiah 40:31 OH how I long to run again!