Keep me searchin...

For a heart of gooooooooold.....and I'm gettin old!

Wooopa.

I finished my last exam yesterday. Being all done again this year doesn't feel like anything really. Not a lot feels like anything these days. My brother is getting married in two weeks and it seems like he wants as little to do with our family as possible, seeing the pain that Mom and Dad are in is hard, I'm not a parent so I can't fully understand that sort of pain. Its totally tearing my little brother apart. And when I think of it, I feel just empty, like I don't have any capacity to really feel the hurt that is there. There are times when it hurts bad, there was no one else who understood me or knew me like he did, he was my closest friend and now he's more or less gone. Leaves me feeling pretty empty at times, I miss that guy like nuts.

Over these last few weeks I feel I have seen clearer than ever the hardness in my heart. Well a few days ago a counsellor was leading me through prayer on something specific, asking God to reveal some deeper insight into a past event, and as soon as she started praying, my whole being just toughened it felt like, and a voice in my head said "Ha! Nobody is getting in here." It was like this cool, calculated defiance. I discussed this with my counselor and she pulled out some information on spiritual strongholds, and we were about to go through a prayer of confession for allowing this defiance in my life and right before I went to start praying, all of a sudden I couldn't. It was like there was no part of me that wanted to pray that prayer, even though I knew it was right and I knew obviously I needed to do it. In the end I did, but it was a struggle.

So all of this to say that I think I have found the root (or part of the root network) that has contributed to this hardness of heart. It is amazing the ways in which we can give the enemy a place in our lives. I have held on to bitterness and cynicism for so long, I have let the sun go down on my anger many a night. But I praise God that his arm is not too short to save, and that he will never abandon the work of his hands, for I am seeing more and more what a piece of work I truly am.

As we approach Ori's wedding, I pray that God would use that time to soften my heart. It will be an incredible trial for my family, and I pray that they would endure it faithfully, not giving in to anger or bitterness, but humbling ourselves and accept the pain willingly and find peace in sharing in the suffering of Jesus, who endured far greater pain on our behalf.

Rejoice that your name is written on the Lambs book of Life!
Praise be to God

In Jesus, do I find
Thy power, and thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
and melt the heart of stone.

Jesus paid it all
All to him I own
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow!

We'll praise the one who paid my debt and raises life up from the dead!