Camp Wapiti Blog

I am doing the camp wapiti blogging on a seperate blog this year, so please feel free to head over there.

kalebcampwapiti.blogspot.com

Alright then, take care!

Kaleb

Yikes

Ho wow am I angry right now! Sheesh! Its kinda frightening. I feel like yelling or screaming or something. I just had a great talk with my buddy Jared, he is a great guy, and we went and rocked out on some drums and guitar, played some worship music, it was awesome.

But I'm still angry. Why?
Lessons I don't want to learn?
Learning to accept I am not as strong or mature as I think I am. I do NOT want to learn these things, and I seem to be unable to accept it. I want to be mature now. I don't want to be disciplined or work through it. MAN! AAAA!
It's like I don't even know how to be humble. Its like come ON, Kaleb!
Graciously accept Gods goodness. Be satisfied with him!
Why is that so hard!?!
And when I can't, I get angry at myself.
man...


I think that for camp this summer I am going to build a mini golf course. Oh...yeeeeaaaah. That should be good.

Anyway.

Kaleb out.

Through the anxiety

This will be short, cause I want to get back to cleaning my room.

I have been feeling very anxious lately, and it is an unnamed anxiety. Even when I am hanging around my friends I feel it. I think I am anxious often actually. Well, today I was with Nathan and Jason, and we've been friends for years, and even playing halo with them I felt uncomfortable. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

Today though, when thinking about it and how it makes me want to get away, A thought came along that said that God was in the anxiety. Its not a problem I have to fix. Its not something I have to run from. God is with me in my anxiety.

What a simple thought. As I type this I wonder at why I would ever need to be reminded of that. And yet I do need to be reminded. Right away when I feel anxious, thoughts come along with that that tell me that God is somewhere else, that I have missed him or what he is doing, things like that. And I panic!

But God is in my anxiety. Oh that I would remember this! He is in my fears, he is in my frustrations, he is in my failures, he is in my garbage, he is in my weakness... HE IS THERE.
And he is ready and able to take me through to the other side.

Oh Jesus! How I wish I trusted you more! Where would I be now lord? That hurts to think about, it hurts so much! And you are there...in that hurt..willing to be with me in that pain. Thank you.

Revenge of the Prunes

Don't worry, its not what you think.

Those who know me know I love prunes. Nothin strange about that, I am just a regular prune lovin guy.

On the OTHER hand...

The theme of pruning has come up 4 times this last while.

"I am the true vine, and my father is the gardener
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit,
while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes
so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already
clean because of the word I have spoken to you.
Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch
can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains
in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing!"
John 15: 1-5

I read this about 10 days ago and it struck me. Stuck out to me.
Then a day later, during a prayer meeting for the consultant team at McLaurin, I thought of it and prayed it, the pruning part, at the meeting.
A day later, the consultants themselves mentioned the verse on pruning and said that the branches that are being pruned are not dead branches, butrather they are last years good fruit.
This was new information to me and it was so great to hear that, because last year was beyond a shadow of a doubt the best year of my life. This year? This year has felt like the worst.
And now a week later, someone asked me how I was, and I said I was exhausted. Just plain exhausted, and that spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I had run out about a month ago. Right out. They prayed for me and the one man got a very clear picture of this verse and some pruning.

So I am being pruned, in order that I might bear more fruit.

Thank you LORD, that you do these things because I am useless without you, and cannot bear any fruit worth eating on my own.

dangit

I keep thinking back to the events of these last few months, last year, and I try not to, but they just keep playing over and over again in my mind. Could they have been different? Could it have gone better? This is SO hard to deal with! Especially because I believe the answer to be... yes. I could have done things differently, I certainly could have.

And that is almost too much to handle; it just eats away at me driving me nuts at times!I try not to see things that way, but it is a real challenge for me to let go of the past, accept the present, and move toward the future. I know that noone can do it for me, and I know that its an active, continual choice that I have to make.

Time to suck it up I guess.

WHY is that so hard?!?

and WHY is it so hard for me to accept myself in this situation and be thankful for what I have learned, and for the grace and mercy that covers me?

Pride?

Yeah, amongst other things.

I don't even know what to write here.

Camp planning has been going alright. It's gonna be different this year, for sure. In a refining way I hope. God Works all things together for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I am a bit excited for some of the new ideas I have come across in my prep, and also a bit excited that Steve will be there, I hope this summer strengthens his faith. Sounds like my cousin Erick is coming down this year for a week. Actually, now that I think of it, this summer is going to be an awesome summer for staff, we have excellent people for the job for sure.

I can be such a pessimist at times! wow. Either everything is wonderful or everything is bleak from my perspective. Neither is healthy. arg..

Why so downcast O my soul?

WHY SO DOWNCAST SOUL? You listen to me for a second. Put your hope in God. That is not an option! Put your trust in the Lord. You will praise him yet, soul.....

I will praise him yet....

Perhaps my best thought today

I was just looking over some sermons from a website, as well as pondering some more books to read and then was listening to some scripture.

And I was OVERWHELMED!!! by just how much wisdom and knowledge there is about God and Christ and his word out there, and I started getting a bit frantic! cause there is just too much!

And then a thought struck me that I will have all eternity. ALL ETERNITY!!! to enjoy and taste and indulge in the goodness of God and his inexhaustable goodness, pleasure, wisdom, love, knowledge, and life, and all this with the multitudes of those whom Christ has redeemed unto himself!

So I can just slow down I guess.
heh heh

Man shall not live by bread alone...

Do not gloat over me my enemy!
Though I have fallen I will rise
Though I sit in darkness the LORD will be my light
Because I have sinned against the LORD I will bear his wrath
Until HE pleads my case and He establishes my right
HE will lead me into the light and then I will see his righteousness
then my enemy will see it and be covered in shame
She who said to me "Where is the LORD your God?"
My eyes will see her downfall
Even now she will be trampled underfoot like mire in the streets
Micah 7:8-10

The LORD is upright in stature
He will lead sinners in the way
Psalm 25:8

The LORD is my shepherd
I have EVERYTHING...I...NEED
HE makes me lie down in green pastures
HE leads me beside Quiet Waters
HE restores my soul.
Psalm 23

"I am the true vine, and my father is the gardener
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit,
while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes
so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already
clean because of the word I have spoken to you.
Remain in me and I will remain in you. No branch
can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains
in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing!"
John 15: 1-5

The Lord is my light and the rock of my salvation
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life
Of whom shall I be afraid?
Though my enemy advances against me to devour my flesh
Though evil men and foes attack
They will stumble and fall
Though an army besieges me
My heart will not fear
Though war break out against me
even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the LORD
This is what I seek,
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me
at his tabernacle I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD
Psalm 27 1-6

Unless the LORD had given me help
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said "My foot is slipping, your love O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Psalm 94:17-19

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand,
that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him
for he cares for you
1 Peter 5:7

And the God of grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ
after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you
and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen
1 Peter 5:12

Vindicate me O God, and plead my cause
against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
You are God and my stronghold
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp, O God, My God.
Why are you so downcast O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
PUT YOUR HOPE IN GOD,
for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God!
Psalm 43

Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters;
and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!
Come buy wine and milk without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Isaiah 54:10

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows
yet we considered him sticken by God
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way;
and the lLORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.
Isaiah 53:4

WHY do you say, O jacob, and complain, O Isreal,
"My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"?
DO YOU NOT KNOW? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD?
The Lord is the Everlasting God,
The Creator of the ends of the earth!
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding noone can fathom!
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grown tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles
they will run and not grow weary
they will walk and not grow faint!
Isaiah 40:27-31

In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quiteness and trust is your strength.
Isaiah 30:15

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever
for the LORD, the LORD is the Rock eternal.
Isaiah 25:4

The LORD has shown you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

The lord has shown you, o man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly, to love mercy
and to walk
humbly
with
your
God!

May you act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

Reality

Accepting reality is a difficult thing.

I often live in this dream world where I am this great guy and everything is great all the time. This is ironic because 18 months ago I made a commitment to pretty much cut out all my escapes. I was sick of running and hiding.

Well I have realized a lot these last few months.

Number 1. I realize that the videogames and the music were not my escape, they were just the soundtrack to it. Without them, I still manage to escape into some other world where everything is great and I do not have to deal with everything.

Number 2. I now understand how the man who seeks to find his life will lose it, and what that looks like, and how that sucks.

Number 3. I would rather live in reality than in my dream world. I HATE that place. I utterly abbhor it, and that is because God is not there. God is here. In this world. And as much as I have been trained to hide from reality, I REFUSE to do it any more.

So I am going to clean my room.