Keep me searchin...

For a heart of gooooooooold.....and I'm gettin old!

Wooopa.

I finished my last exam yesterday. Being all done again this year doesn't feel like anything really. Not a lot feels like anything these days. My brother is getting married in two weeks and it seems like he wants as little to do with our family as possible, seeing the pain that Mom and Dad are in is hard, I'm not a parent so I can't fully understand that sort of pain. Its totally tearing my little brother apart. And when I think of it, I feel just empty, like I don't have any capacity to really feel the hurt that is there. There are times when it hurts bad, there was no one else who understood me or knew me like he did, he was my closest friend and now he's more or less gone. Leaves me feeling pretty empty at times, I miss that guy like nuts.

Over these last few weeks I feel I have seen clearer than ever the hardness in my heart. Well a few days ago a counsellor was leading me through prayer on something specific, asking God to reveal some deeper insight into a past event, and as soon as she started praying, my whole being just toughened it felt like, and a voice in my head said "Ha! Nobody is getting in here." It was like this cool, calculated defiance. I discussed this with my counselor and she pulled out some information on spiritual strongholds, and we were about to go through a prayer of confession for allowing this defiance in my life and right before I went to start praying, all of a sudden I couldn't. It was like there was no part of me that wanted to pray that prayer, even though I knew it was right and I knew obviously I needed to do it. In the end I did, but it was a struggle.

So all of this to say that I think I have found the root (or part of the root network) that has contributed to this hardness of heart. It is amazing the ways in which we can give the enemy a place in our lives. I have held on to bitterness and cynicism for so long, I have let the sun go down on my anger many a night. But I praise God that his arm is not too short to save, and that he will never abandon the work of his hands, for I am seeing more and more what a piece of work I truly am.

As we approach Ori's wedding, I pray that God would use that time to soften my heart. It will be an incredible trial for my family, and I pray that they would endure it faithfully, not giving in to anger or bitterness, but humbling ourselves and accept the pain willingly and find peace in sharing in the suffering of Jesus, who endured far greater pain on our behalf.

Rejoice that your name is written on the Lambs book of Life!
Praise be to God

In Jesus, do I find
Thy power, and thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
and melt the heart of stone.

Jesus paid it all
All to him I own
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow!

We'll praise the one who paid my debt and raises life up from the dead!

Being sick sucks

For the last two days I have had this fever thing going on as well as some super swollen gums and these blisters all over my mouth. And it sucks. I like can't eat anything cause my mouth hurts too bad. This is the wrong weekend for that...

These days

These last few weeks have been pretty rough, some of the darkest days in the last few years for sure. I have never before felt so confused or lost as I have a few times recently. At times it is as if I all I see are obstacles, and nothing seems bright, nothing seems beautiful. It really... REALLY... sucks.

I don't know when this will change, but I know that God is in control. I am obviously not. At the times when this is the most painful, I ask him when this will lift, when can I go deeper into the root of this with him, when can I get to that place of rest in his complete and perfect grace. And always he tells me, not yet. Your not ready. Actually its probably me saying no, I'm not ready. So I wait on the LORD's timing, battling constantly in my mind against all the wretchedness in there. In the darkest times he has given me some incredible encouragement, totally Spirit led events that bring hope during this time. It has not been easy with School coming to a close either. Ton's of homework for someone who is totally guilty of doing way too much already... Man! Thank God he did not let me go any harder than I did... I will learn to rest again, to rest in the Lord. Ooooh how I miss it! I'll get there...

So what do we know for sure, even though we don't feel it and it sure doesn't always seem like it?

- The Holy Spirit is at work within me, giving me a heart that wants to change.
- God works ALL things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. That is me.
- He who has started a good work in me is faithful to finish that good work.
- There is no condemnation for sins past present or future, for those who are in Christ Jesus.
- God has showed me that I am making progress here, which is so encouraging, cause that means I am getting somewhere.
- I will come out on the other side of this better for it.
- Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so :)

When I am weak, you make me strong
When I am blind, you shine your light on me
Cause I'll never get by
Living on my own ability.
How refreshing to find you don't need me,
How amazing to find that you want me.
So I'll stand on your truth and I'll fight in your strength,
Until you bring the victory.
By the power of Christ in me.
~Casting Crowns.

They that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength,
They will rise up on wings like an eagle.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.
~ Isaiah 40:31 OH how I long to run again!